For the first time in I don't know how long someone fucking hit on me. Ok so it hasn't been that long, but it was the first time in a while that it happened in a non-gay place. I swear I didn't realize he was hitting on me. He was standing in the stall next to me in the bathroom at the bowling alley when I was pissing. He started talking to me when I walked out. I thought he was just as drunk as I was until Matt started asking who was following me. I totally fucking ignored the guy as I went back to my lane to bowl. HE WAS CUTE AND HE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME.

I'm gonna blame it on the alcohol... The last time I was drunk like this and somebody flirted with me... I'll just say PSYCHO. And Matt was there that night and he knew the fucking psycho and he didn't warn me. I'm still pissed about that one. What a fucking friend he is... Anyways... I think it was such a traumatic experience that I pushed this guy off without even realizing it.

Well this event led to a conversation. A conversation about me. About me and my flirtatious behavior. About me and how my flirtatious behavior has led people to believe that I was interested in them when I wasn't.

*Sigh*

If you have read certain previous entries(last two paragraphs of You're Too Picky), you should understand the sigh. And it was a big fucking sigh at that.

*Sigh*

Brent has been the only current friend of mine who wasn't attracted to me when he first met me. But through excessive alcohol (and my usual behavior) I was able to change that. I believe this may be a psychological issue relating to his recent relationship, but I'm not sure. Maybe events of a certain night made him look at me in a way that he hadn't before due to the fact that I was a good friend of his boyfriend. I don't know why, but suddenly Brent became attracted to me.

Brent is really cool and I see him as a good friend, but I can't see him as anything more. Since I learned of his attraction, I have tried not to treat him any different than anyone else, but that apparently was misleading. I don't want to lose his friendship, as he is very fun to be around, but it would seem that the friendship is lost. Lost in something else.

*Sigh*

I don't know what to do with my life. I am starting to want to run away from it all again. I just want to leave everything behind and start fresh. I want to go somewhere that I can be myself without worrying about someone misunderstanding me.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I have never wanted to hurt anyone, but I know that sometimes it just happens. Sometimes you hurt someone without even knowing it.

I miss my straight friends. I didn't have this drama with them. Sometimes I wanna turn straight. If only I could...