I was thinking about putting this in the newspaper's Valentines Day ads, but I missed the deadline:

Happy Valentines Day to my imaginary boyfriend. You were always there for me. You held me when I was lonely, and comforted me when I was sad. You never got upset when I dated other guys. You even joined in on some of the bedtime fun, though I don't think the other boyfriend knew you were there. You're always in the mood to do whatever I want to do. You never complain when I pretend that you are someone else. I've done things with you that would otherwise land me in jail. While our intimate moments may always feel like five fingers, you make sure I am satisfied before you stop. You are the perfect man. The qualities you possess cannot be found anywhere else. My love for you is everlasting. See you tonight.